Here is some of what I have come to know about inquiring into my chosen pattern/s of emotional experiencing, how I have come to know this, and how I have begun to integrate these new knowings of what “...Christopher Bollas…coined “the unthought known(s).” (Wallin, 2007, p.115).

Fellow MIECAT co-inquirer (Dale Gorfinkle) consented to sharing any and/or all key moments/ISRs/transcripts/expressions/jokes :-)

FILLING HOLLOW PARTS

My inquiry begins at the dentist. A chunk cracked off a molar + requires a filling. 
As we view enlarged images on the light box, the dentist notices fault lines running through my molars.
He says I must clench + grind my jaw relentlessly for the tooth to crumble like that. 

I experience an emotional charge + feel profoundly exposed. 
My jaw locks, my tummy rumbles + my breath becomes shallow. 
Why does this moment feel so acute + why is my body activating in this way?

An extra dose of complexity is the “Our Planet” documentary then screening on autoplay above the dental chair to relax patients, usually offering up scenic tranquility. 
But the unfolding episode features crumbling icebergs + walruses falling off cliffs. 
It’s heart-wrenchingly intense, evoking nth-degree dental dissonance! 

Once again - locked jaw, rumbling tummy, shallow breath.
I want to get up + walk away but I’m stuck in the chair. 

I tune into the knowing that accelerating climate collapse is an added layer of emotional charge, always insidiously brewing in my body.
And understand that I can no longer ignore it.
It becomes a more nebulous aspect of my access point. (Figures 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4)

I AM COMMITTED TO…?

I familiarise myself with Staci Haines’ Centering.
Through regular practice, significant connection towards my environment/inner sensations occurs.
I’m struck by the prompt to keep my eyes open, understanding that I don’t have to go away to settle myself - it can happen while I’m present in the moment.
This proves useful during my inquiry, helping me stay centered to emergence whilst remaining in Malchiodi’s (2021) “Circle of Capacity”. 

Haines’ four dimensions also provide important reference points/insights throughout.

Urged on by the practice, I list my values (Figure 2.1) + create a drawing of the dimensions. (Figure 2.2)

MWE

My companion for this inquiry is Dale.
We spent our first MIECAT year together + I’ve appreciated his multimodal/improvisational/experimental/emergent reflexivity + thoughtful insights/offerings when co-inquiring. 
We’re starting with strong foundations + we both acknowledge shared resonance towards an integrated outlook on Self where: 

“…Me (bodily self/brain) + We (interconnected/relational self) = ‘Mwe’ (integrated identity, body self and relational self) and are differentiated.”
(Siegel, 2016, as cited in Swan, 2024).

However, before we begin, Dale mentions his decision to put aside his initial access point + inquire into an almost identical dental moment to mine.
Dissonance rushes through my body + I think to myself:

“That’s MY story.”

BUT, then I remember the icebergs + the walruses + my overarching value of interdependence.
“Slow down. Take a breath. These are all our stories. Seize this beautiful opportunity for synchronous/reciprocal collaboration, right here in front of you!”

This fleeting bounded-Self moment thus yields to the Mwe.

THAT MUZZLE-ESQUE FEELING

The inquiry begins by mapping embodied activations from the access point onto my body terrain. (Figures 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4)
It’s fertile territory + much unfolds.
Dale notes keywords which I further reduce (Figure 3.5) + offers an ISR inspired by the key elements “double-muzzle” + “who’s got your back?”. (Figure 3.6)

COLLECTIVE SILENCE

I move on to investigate more heightened emotional/embodied activations on my body terrain - influenced by the ever-present destructive forces of Western individualism overarching the “more-than-human” world. (Figures 4.1. 4.2, 4.3, 4.4, 4.5)

The session leaves me feeling simultaneously tired yet activated - an “almost-overwhelm” bubbling just below the surface.
Mwe are sitting with so much.

But I stay within my “Circle of Capacity” thanks to my “Centering Practice” + ease with my companion, who suggests a pause/rest. (Figure 4.6)

“Is that all it takes?” I think. “Just a gentle invitation from someone who has my back?

We then settle into a co-regulating activity, instinctively going back-to-back
Our breathing synchronises + we later intersubjectively reflect (Figures 4.7, 4.8) how this moment was pivotal in creating further resonance + opening us “…to a felt awareness of how inextricably interwoven we are with one another.” (Swan, 2024, p. 21).

I mould an expression (Figure 4.9) + Dale offers me an ISR (Figure 4.10) - a walrus-mother side-by-side, holding/protecting her calf.
I think again of Haines’ musings - “Who’s in your community?” + the value of interdependence.

I list resonant keywords (Figure 4.11)+ journal my observations. (Figure 4.12)

“The time is very urgent – we must slow down.”

— (Akomolafe, 2022, para. 23)

HOUSEWORK NEVER GETS NOTICED

That night, I absent-mindedly prepare dinner alongside one of my kids. 
I’m preoccupied by my inquiry.

Meanwhile they’re in an upbeat mood, having spent the day pottering around the house + cleaning up the kitchen. They wonder if I’d noticed their efforts? 

“Housework never gets noticed!…” I growl intensely. “It doesn't matter how much you do! No one ever sees it.”

WOAH! My tone was so unusual + out-of-the-blue.
Who/what is this dark/powerful/resentful force that’s appeared from nowhere to get cranky around housework? 
Why am I being so fierce towards my child in this moment?

It surprises both of us + they wonder why I‘m so angry.
I apologise + seek repair but the dissonance stays with me. 

WITH/IN RICH HARMONIES

Our facilitator encourages us to sing together. 

“Eeeeek!”, I think. “Not singing!” 
I love immersing myself in Creative Arts but singing is an absolute stretch. 
However, I feel particularly safe within this group, so I lean in. 

We arrange ourselves alongside each other. Then give over to the joy of song.
Tentatively at first + eventually with gusto. Our voices blending in rich harmony, sensing into a vibrational unity. 

I feel a rush of connection + as we all bask in the afterglow of the event, I offer up how profound the experience had been.
Recounting how, when I was 12, my music teacher had told me to stand at the back of the choir + mouth the words.
Hit by an unexpected wave of grief/relief, I start to cry. 

A somatic wave rushes through - a catharsis.

The group holds the moment gently for me. 

Together. Side-by-side.

MAPPING RESONANCE

With so much data generation I’m finding difficulty focussing on the mapping.
So I lay out some keywords without trying for any reduction. Just arranging them on the table brings a sense of calm. (Figure 5.1)

Later that night I map + further reduce the resonance from the group singing into a thematic statement. (Figure 5.2)

Little did I know, this would be the first of many rounds.

“Being present to the moment means being open to how the moment is influenced by the past.”

— (Siegel & Sieff, 2015, p. 154).

POWER OVER vs POWER WITH/IN

The next day I‘m still thinking about my singing teachers’ impact.

How that period aligned with a chapter in my home-life when it would’ve been nurturing + beneficial to use my voice + be alongside my community rather than up the back. Who had my back?

I suddenly recall the teacher’s name. 
Mrs Power. 
The one with so much “power-over” my voice + “being-with-others”. How empty this performative + destructive charade had left me.

I then think how my arts-based research paper from last unit concluded with the growth-enhancing + empowering notion of “power-with/in” rather than “power-over”.

I think of my power-full tone when I growled at my child about housework.

These disparate threads/elements stir something deep + discordant within my body.

FOCUSSING

Gendlin’s (1981) focusing exercise leads to more noticings. 

Afterwards, I draw a diagram of my felt senses + write in my journal. (Figures 6.1, 6.2)

The focusing process is simultaneously one of emergence (surfacing fresh embodied senses towards/around key elements) + integrative as the intense furrowing surrenders towards a loving, resonant glow.

It feels important to “stay with” the re/emergence of these felt senses + notions around “keeping house”.

PANG OF ENVY

At this point, Dale + I decide to merge as a co-inquiry.

He holds up his recent dental x-ray + I place my “blue teeth” expression (Figure 4.8) beside it. (Figure 7.1)

Bringing these artifacts side-by-side feels potent - consolidating our bodily-selves in relational presence with/in our “co-inquiry”  + demonstrating how it was fast-becoming/leading-towards a more integrated yet differentiated Mwe.

Dale then uses the x-ray as a “viewfinder”, scanning the ceiling struts whose angles remind us both of the “muzzle” from my body terrain. 

I video him taking photos/videos. (Figures 7.2, 7.3) + we appreciate the depth + resonance of this meta-experience.

However, there’s also a moment of dissonance. I later reflect with Dale on its significance. (Figures 7.4, 7.5)

REFINING/REDUCING/RESONATING

I continue to refine by clustering/identifying key elements + journalling. (Figure 8.1)

Dale likes seeing our body terrains adjacent - side-by-side - a resonance I also feel. (Figures 8.2, 8.3)

Humour scaffolds our understanding of the complexities Mwe face. We exchange ISRs via text message, shared laughter + multimodal expressions, further strengthening our resonance + connection around key elements - clenching, climate complexity, who’s got my back? (Figures 8.4, 8.5, 8.6, 8.7, 8.8, 8.9, 8.10). These light touches within the more sober context play a huge role in strengthening us as co-inquirers.

WHO’S IN THE HOUSE?

I depict some of the “...broader topics or themes of lived experiencing, (to) bring…together disparate aspects…to capture and communicate something of what is becoming known…to further integrate what…(I’m) coming to know…” (Swan, 2024, p. 107).
To delve into my “internal chorus” (Lett, 2011, as cited in Swan, 2024); these past/present/future states-of-being; these multivalent aspects of Mwe.
To pattern-seek + discover “Who’s in the house?”

All of them are so busy with unseen housework!

There’s Mrs Power + The Housekeeper.
Is there anyone else?

I remember my dissonance videoing the x-ray. (Figures 7.4, 7.5)
And so, a third member of the inner household steps forward - The Documentarian.

Using AI-image-generation, I reduce keywords + descriptions into something visually tangible. Refining until the images land somatically. It’s a novel/loose/playful/integrative process - AI offering ever-iterative responses to my prompts. (Figure 11.1)

MERGING PAST/PRESENT/FUTURE KNOWINGS

I notice how two of my three states-of-being feature muzzles.

The remaining one has a muzzle-esque camera on its head.
I remember back to my body terrain + the muzzle. (Figures 3.1, 3.2, 3.3)
It’s been a potent key element throughout. 

I merge what I already know of my younger self - (“…this territory is not new” (Swan, 2024, p.36) as I’ve explored it previously in therapy) with present/future knowings of the part.
Then further articulate through mapping, keyword-poetry + a thematic statement. (Figures 12.1, 12.2, 12.3)

TRACKING THE CASCADE

Today I further explore the MRS POWER state by embodying the trigger + consequent cascade of actions.

  • Something happens  

  • The emotional response

  • The behavioural response 

And with this landing comes a cellular knowing, an un-numbing.
That night, I further synthesise my knowings by digitally reworking the gestures. (Figures 13.1, 13.2, 13.3)

MORE DIGGING

I then poetically depict MRS POWER + write an accompanying thematic statement. (Figure 14.1, 14.2)

But as Dale + I sit with all of this, Mwe feel there is yet more refining to do. (Figure 14.3, 14.4)

FRESH EYES

So I map + create a poetic depiction for THE DOCUMENTARIAN + yet another thematic statement to see if I further clarify my current pattern. (Figure 15.1, 15.2, 15.3)

I notice how I‘ve been drawn to depiction through keyword poetry. Mapping my pattern/s with fresh eyes towards future, more integrated states-of-being.

”Poetry inhibits hierarchial, top-down, left brain processes; through using words in unfamiliar ways it encourages us to see through fresh eyes.”

— (Siegel & Sieff, 2015, p.152).

EVERYTHING MWE NEED IS IN THE MESS

As a group we are led through some integrative processes - the “Stuckness” exercise (U School. (n.d.) + a guided meditation. 
I sense a transformation/metabolisation with/in + I feel Mwe/self brimming with new knowings. Of no longer being in the rut + agency being restored. (Figures 16.1, 16.2)

I distil the experiencing into a short poem inspired by the tawny frogmouth (Figure 16.3) + offer the group a low hum.

INTEGRATION MEETS MY PREFERRED WAY OF BEING

It suddenly dawns on me that what I may have forgotten did not disappear. It’s right here in Mwe.
It’s been waiting beneath layers of past/present/future-projection adaptation, longing to be integrated + sung back into an intersubjective field.

By yielding to the unclenching through this co-inquiry some ”hollow parts” have been filled + are now brimming full of potentiality.
The thoughts that once tightened my jaw are no longer gripping + the same emotions that once felt overwhelming are harmonising alongside the choir.

My patterns are still there but they no longer feel overwhelming. 

Instead, they’re now gently rising + falling, like Birrarung. 

Flowing with/in the collective, ever-iterative ripple.

I write up my final thematic statement. It’s where things are for now. (Figure 17.1)

WHAT AM I COMING TO KNOW?

To feel safe as a child I disconnected, cut myself off from interdependence + muted/forgot aspects of my true Self.
Those past experiences + subsequent present/future states-of-being have kept me in dissonant emotional holding patterns.

Co-inquiring into these dissonant patterns (using the participatory perspective offered by the MIECAT form of inquiry which values a collaborative/emergent/relational/intersubjective/multimodal, + process-oriented approach) has been an enriching, deeply complex, non-linear + reciprocal experience/exploration that holds knowns/unthought knowns with the unfamiliar in co-regulated potentiality + a “...spiral of mutual influence…” (Wallin, 2007, p. 123).

What else have I come to know about inquiring into a pattern?

  • Centering to acknowledge who/what/how M/we are in the room gave the inquiry a centre of gravity.

  • It’s complex + is made of many past/present/future parts/states-of-being.

  • Integration is a non-linear path. It’s learning to transcend + include past/present/future experiencing.

  • Responding multimodally through the resonance of ISRs nourishes/honours coherence + connection + complexity. 

  • Emotions need a nonjudgmental space, where they’re not something to fix/suppress/resist, but something to hold/process/transform into patterns that serve.

  • Through fostering the value of interdependence in co-inquiry, my sense of Self was expanded to allow for Mwe + all our stories. Together, Mwe blurred the lines between inside + outside thus acknowledging/embodying our more intertwined Selves. Western individualism cultivated with/in me since childhood receded.

  • Addressing the trauma + collective silence surrounding climate collapse was bigger than a 6-day MIECAT unit could hold/map/distil. However, by attending to the dissonant patterns with/in my internal house I now have greater capacity to widen out to the “beauty that is possible”(Bednarek, 2024, p.23). From the myopic lens that informed some aspects of my being, to taking in a more collective “being-with” of stories larger than my own. (Figure 18.1)

  • Co-inquiring with someone who acts in alignment with their values, holds conflicting truths, can be both “the witnessed” + “the witnesser”, + can dwell in complexity is a blessing that I will be forever grateful for. This experience has helped me access my preferred way of being + I’ll carry this gift forward.